Death day has rolled around again and my feelings about it are far more ambivalent than I expected them to be.
Most of me feels like I should be the happiest camper in the world because as Dr. Ahari my pulmonologist said, all of this time is extra. Today marks five whole years of extra time.
I'm not going to lie. That sounds like the shiniest thing in all the land, but extra time is just as much of a burden as it is a blessing. I have often heard in the last five years that I was saved for a reason and trying to figure out what that reason is is the hardest thing I've ever had to do! I often find myself wondering if the extra time is actually worth it.
There are so many sparkly, shiny things in my life that I try to remember when those thoughts invade my headspace. I have the most amazing family anyone could possibly ask for. My brother and sister-in-law let me invade their space on the reg and FaceTime with me at least once a week. My niece and nephews play wegos (legos), sing silly songs, giggle uncontrollable, and make me happier than almost anything else. My dad texts me every day just to remind me that I am loved. My baby sis and brother-in-law keep me laughing on the reg with memes, jokes, and the best pure, unadulterated sarcasm. My big sis keeps me rolling always with a shoulder to lean on and a space to be truly myself. My mom is my light and lifeline. She is willing to answer my phone calls at a whisper while stepping out of a meeting just for me. (And she's kind of a big deal, so that means I'm kind of a big deal to her.) I have incredible support from extended family as well. I have the best aunts, uncles, cousins and their babies who are incredible delights.
I am so so so lucky to have found many families of choice in my lifetime. From Utah to D.C. to Iowa, I have met and been loved by so many who I have needed and relied on.
Tons of things changed that day five years ago. Things I never even thought of until I sat down and actually pondered it. I know that this is my new normal, but it is weird to think about the person that I was, the person that I am now, and how having almost walked into the bright light has fundamentally changed who I am.
I am going to continue to try and find the sparkly, shiny things in life. It's difficult but I can't imagine going through the next five years in a cloud of gloom. I'm going to work my face off to keep myself above the surface.