{I Wish You Would Step Back From That Ledge}

Trigger warning: Self-harm, worthiness, dramatics

I recently had what one might call an incident, or an episode, or suicidal ideation. I'm not sure what one might call it. I've had a couple in my lifetime but this was one of the worst. And in the spirit of the raw and real blog I'm writing these days, I want to send it out there to the universe and see if it helps.

I have always had what one might call a heightened sense of emotion. If the average person runs at 50% emotion all the time, I run at 900%. I also feel like I get let down a lot. Mostly by God, (or whoever/whatever is in the sky) but by other people as well. I'm kind of a sucker too. I often let people trample me, so I don't make any waves.

I am not by any means the most compassionate nor thoughtful person in the world but I have spent years of therapy and countless nights and days worrying about how what I do impacts other people. I would never want to put someone out. I would never want to not honor a commitment that I had made. But the rough part of all of that is that I expect that same courtesy back from other people and I don't always get it. Then because I have too many feelings ALL. THE. TIME. I spiral right on down into the tragedy that I feel my life is.

The previous paragraphs were written in February and never published, but I've been thinking about them a lot lately and thought I would publish them now because I am a little older and not so much wiser, but have slightly more insight into myself. I think.

Feeling let down is something I feel a lot. Just when I think that I have picked myself back up it feels as though I get knocked right down again. I recently suffered an excruciating personal and professional blow that in my estimation came from out of the clear blue. Someone who I trusted, respected and even loved decided that they thought I wasn't worth the air I breathe. And then decided to let me know all of the reasons why in written form so I could re-read them obsessively for the next few months.

Just as I had thought I was getting into my stride in a new position, in a new town, in a new body (no more baby maker, remember?) this person came a long and not only knocked me out of the way, but then chose to stomp on ALL my feelings like they were trying their darnedest to make some Megan flavored wine. The let down I suffered in February was nothing compared to the next setback.

When things like this happen to an average person, I'm sure that they are upset. I'm sure that it affects them. I'm sure that they are hurt and wish it had never happened. When things like this happen to me, I wish I had never happened. I don't say that to garner sympathy or for people to tell me how great I am and how sad they would be if I weren't around because logically I get it. I get that I need people and they need me. I get attachment. But when I am in the throes of my 900% feelings compounded with something that feels tragic, I wish I could go back to that sidewalk in 2012 and not wake back up.

Of course that would mean I wouldn't have met my gorgeous nephew PJ. It would mean I wouldn't have moved to Iowa to meet the glorious and delicious people that I know here. It would mean that the things I experienced in the last 4ish years wouldn't have happened and along with the bad, there are SO MANY good and wonderful things that have happened.

It's hard to describe when you look at life through that lens, but once you have touched the other side, it is so so so hard to think that anything that happens here could be better than being relieved of all your pain.

So that's where I end up. I can think and know and cherish all of the wonderful people, things and experiences in my life, but always and forever at the back of my mind is the thought that I wouldn't know what I was missing, and that it would have been okay to let go. 

Then when someone you trust decides to take your heart out of your chest and hook it up to a stick of dynamite and blow it to smithereens, you really wish you would have let go. All of those fantastic things don't matter anymore. You can't think of anything except not existing. Something that wasn't an option before you experienced it. But then you did. And there are no backsies. I can't go back to that street corner in 2012 and change what happened there.

So I get up everyday. I read the love text my daddy sends me every morning and I march myself into work where I feel valued. I hug and laugh and lunge with people that I love and who love me. That's all I can do. That's all I know how to do. And someday, I hope it will be enough to keep be from wanting nothingness.

Because after all, love conquers hate.

{Had My Back Before I Had My Own}

This beauty is my mother. I have been thinking about her lately and about how darn lucky I am that she is mine. As you all I'm sure are aware, unless you live under a rock in the forest somewhere that the holidays have just passed us by and I had the good fortune to be able to spend it with this lady. (Yep, I just said good fortune. I'm 97.) I have so many favorite things about her it might hurt my little pingers to type them all.

First off let's start with the fact that she is brilliant. She graduated with her masters degree in Social Work at the tender (yup, tender) age of just 21. What a wee little babe to know what she wanted, and to go and get it! Also, I don't know about you but school is hard. Super hard. And she even graduated with one of those laude things. Don't ask me which one but I'm sure it was the highest one because of the sheer brilliance that is Catherine.

She is one of the kindest, most caring, compassionate people I have ever met in my entire life. And I'm a crazy person that talks to ALL the people so I've met a crap ton of them. She works in a profession where she helps people to become healthy; mind, and body. She cares so much about the clients that she meets with and about the people that she serves. She even saw a need in our community and co-wrote a program for a pre-school for children with autism that has helped hundreds of children be able to articulate their needs and participate in their communities. It's kind of a big deal. She also dreamed up, and followed through on a facility for teenagers who have some trouble in life. She got the grant, found the space, built the building (In theory. I'm sure there were some muscly men in the mix.), and oversees it now that it's up and running. She's a super grant-write, an awesome boss, (I know lots of peeps who work for her, and I don't think they would lie to me. But if they did I will punch them right in their bits.), and a fantastic community leader! In fact she is quite literally Utah County's TREASURE. You heard it. I said it. She has a giant statue that could probably kill a man if you stabbed him with it that has her name on it. She is also a super nice lady and probably wouldn't stab anyone.

She is driven. The lady never stops. She gets up early (and I mean EARLY) to hit up her local religious space and then to get fit with the ladies at Zumba. She spends her days helping our community to be mentally healthy and often works into the evenings. She even cooks dinner for hundreds of people some weeks for an awesome program that helps families strengthen their bonds around the dinner table. One thing we always did was eat together, and I can only imagine how much that model is helping others. She does all of that and then comes home to take care of my daddy who is the loveliest person ever, but can sometimes be a little cranky. (Love you daddy! ;)) And on top of everything she does where she lives, she still always makes the time for me to call and have a nervous breakdown on the phone whenever I need her.

She loves. So. Hard. She is the best grandma around. Always finding joy in the pictures and videos that get sent from across the country, and going to see them every chance she gets. She came to see me many times when I lived in D.C. and when I got sick in Iowa last summer she made three trips in two months to make sure I was taken care of. There are a million things I love about her visits, but one of the things that I love the most is that she holds my hand. Whether we are walking down the National Mall checking out cool monuments, or laying in bed commiserating about how sad I think my life is, she is always there, reaching out. I love that. I love her.

I hope everyone gets to meet this mom of mine someday. I know my life is brighter with her in it and I am so so so so so SO grateful that I landed in her embrace. I wouldn't change a thing about her. Mommy, I love you to Pluto and back because it's much farther than the moon.